Mickaela's Story
The mind is like water, when it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see, when it’s calm, everything becomes clear.
When I first met Mickaela (they/them) was 5 weeks postpartum and brought their sweet Dmitri (born at home) with them. They live together with their husband, cat, and baby. Mickaela would currently describe their body as fascinating, soft, powerful, and nurturing. Mickaela was in high school when they first started noticing their body. How other kids would dress or act a certain way to gather attention from peers was new. Mikaela came from a homeschool background and, as a tomboy, never saw their body in the same way as others. With mainstream media pushing specific beauty standards that they didn’t quite find appealing, along with helping look after their many younger siblings, Mikaela never had time to put much thought into their body image.
Mikaela describes themselves as someone who used to say some pretty harsh things to themselves. Phrases flooded their mind like, “You’re fat and gross.” However, during a brief separation from their husband in the height of the pandemic, they were able to spend some time really exploring themselves and healing old wounds of self doubt and neglect. During this exploration of self and gender, they felt strongly that they didn’t belong in one box. This discovery helped Mikaela land on the term Non-binary. Up until then, they knew that they didn’t quite fit any one role and they were more fluid in their feelings about themselves. Accepting themselves as non-binary aided in healing and self reflection, allowing them moving forward.
Through exploration and soul searching, Mikaela and their husband found their way back to each other and soon learned they were expecting a child. A person who was coming into their true self started to flourish into the powerful and soft person that they would describe themselves as today. Mikaela said that, as self care, they would spend time bathing and moisturizing their skin, something they hadn’t taken much time to do in the past.
As Mikaela’s body grew during pregnancy, they found themselves faced with difficulties surrounding dressing comfortably. Most maternity clothing brands are still focused on femininity, but Mikaela was focused on comfort. Finding pants was particularly frustrating for them, especially with the limited stores for pregnant people. Mikaela made due and it wasn’t long before they gave birth.
“It was a wild trip watching the bodily changes from pregnancy through birth and then thereafter. Because it already felt like everything changed during pregnancy, but like, it’s weird how fast the changes happened the week after birth for me. I didn’t get stretch marks until the very end of pregnancy, but then after birth they were very noticeable. ”
When Mikaela first noticed the stretch marks on their body, they had some moments of being disappointed and having negative feelings. This time, those feelings seemed to be fleeting faster than when they were younger. After giving birth, they mentioned how interesting it was that even though the marks were darker, their mind shifted from disappointment to pride. Mikaela started to love the marks on their body which reminded them that they grew a whole baby.
After giving birth, Mikaela felt really weird in their body for a bit. Sharing a body for such a long time and getting used to a big round belly over many months, then within just a day being detached from the person they were growing felt so weird to them. Nothing negative or positive, just change.
Time has passed now and Mikaela is over a month out from birth. They’re feeling really strong and simple tasks like picking something up now has new meaning. Learning what their body is capable of and how strong it really is seems to have helped Mikaela in their postpartum journey. Nurturing a baby through breastfeeding was another unknown for Mikaela. Being non-binary, Mikaela left breastfeeding open to be explored and not forced. They are happily breastfeeding now with no end in sight. You can hear the pride in Mikaela’s voice when they speak about their body’s accomplishments.
“For me, at least, rather than feeling super dysphoric about them (breasts) It’s given them more of a purpose than they had before. So it’s like I feel more positive about having them rather than weird about the things attached to my body.”
Mikaela encourages other new parents to let themselves receive help. Especially after the first wave of visitors come and go. They mention how really hard it is when everyone else gets back to their lives and they were left alone to figure it out. The overwhelming emotions and thoughts can easily overtake someone, so don’t be afraid to ask someone to just come and sit with you. Being that they have had a past of mental health hurdles, they were aware that certain feelings could come up again. Mikaela mentioned the difference between depression and the baby blues.
“For me it was like clockwork everyday at 8PM, I would cry. Any of the overwhelm and anxiety I was feeling would seem to pile up all at the same time. Just be aware that it’s normal and it will pass. Always talk about it with someone. ”
Water has been meaningful to Mikaela because it can be intense, strong, peaceful and calming much like the experience through growing and birthing a human. Mikaela was born in the water, has always loved swimming, and is a Cancer sign. Being in the water is joyful and playful for Mikaela. Their body feels light in the water as the old inhibitions about their body seem to wash away. They even mention feeling concealed in the water even though it is clear. There is a cover that your body feels that almost helps the mind forget that the body is exposed.
Mikaela hasn’t had much time for self care since giving birth, but hopes to continue to nourish their body and marvel at its’ accomplishments, taking each day as it comes and being grateful for what their body has done.